Hello my loves!
I have to admit something to you all-my last blog post was very....subdued? very....bland? I am a very emotional person who finds it extremely difficult to keep secrets, and that is exactly what I was doing. I had to try my best not to let on, or say anything remotely alluding to 'the big secret'
Before I get to that, (yeah, I'm gonna make you wait a sec) I wanted to talk about newborn photography. It is my Everest. I find it extremely difficult, and honestly, Im not that good at it. I have turned down work from prospective clients because I dont feel Im good enough to charge whats it worth to do it.
I find it challenging for a few reasons; Im nervous with other peoples newborns, I cannot put them into all those super cute, wrapped poses on all the baby photography pages I follow, I need a studio for sessions as its too hard to work around spaces in other peoples homes when trying to do it all with natural light, and its VERY time consuming, because lets face it-we're working around a baby, and their schedule is not conducive to yours, ever.
I want to buy all the props and backdrops and cute outfits, but honestly, that shit is expensive, and do I really want to invest hundreds of dollars (if not more) into a part of photography that I might never be good at?
I do, like I really do, but what if I spend the cash and put in the effort and try and try and try, and I still suck?
Lately, I've only been doing it for friends, for 2 reasons;
1) I am emotionally invested in my friends babies; I inherently love them already
2) My friends will forgive me if I suck (and I give them smoking deals)
But, Imma 'bout to get ALLLLL the practice I need this winter......
yup, thats right! we are expecting our 3rd little one this winter, sometime around the end of December/early January.
Let me tell you a little but about mine and Jeffs Baby Journey thus far;
Firstly, back in 2006 when we started dating, within a few weeks (yes really) we had 'the conversation'
you know the one;
do you want to get married one day?
do you want to have kids? How many?
what is your idea of 'family'? What kind of life do you want to build for your kids?
We were exactly on the same page (which is one of the reasons I fell for Jeff so hard, so fast)
We wanted to take the time to get to know each other and live together and have all sorts of fun before we decided to have babies. We totally took it for granted; like, you know, we'll just try and we'll have one (or 2 or 3) and it will be easy and that will be that.
We were wrong.
In early 2010 we took a trip to the Yukon to visit friends and all the things were in place (ovulation and all that junk) to make a baby.
We had been kind of trying for a few months, but we knew this was the best chance we had had so far. And guess what? it worked!
We were over the moon excited to start our life as a tribe of 3, and quickly told all our friends and family (I don't believe in waiting the 3 months with those closest to you-more on that later) We were RADIANT with happiness, we started planning and reading and preparing.
About 6 weeks into the pregnancy, Jeff and I went to a movie at the theater and right away, I knew something was wrong. We had both been to the Dr earlier that day and had seen the little beans heartbeat on the ultrasound (and cried like babies ourselves)
That night, I just knew. When we left the theater, I was in tears, trying to tell My Love that something wasn't right and we were going to lose the baby. He tried his best to console me and assure me everything was going to be ok, but I think he trusted I knew my body, and might be right.
We went home and I called healthlink for advice, but, unfortunately, a few hours later, we lost the baby.
I wont get into the details further, as it is still extremely painful for me (even after all this time) but I can honestly say it was the most heartbreaking experience we had ever been through together. We stayed home for 5 days and cried and cried and cried; for losing someone we had created out of our pure love, someone we wanted so badly; to love and cherish and adore with everything we had. We also cried at our complete arrogance (or ignorance?) that we could just try to have a baby and it would be easy and there would be no problems at all.
We received flowers and food and cards and hugs and well wishes from our friends, family, and employers. I was so grateful that we had shared the news of our pregnancy so we didn't have to go through that sad time alone. We needed them to lean on, and I'm not sure we would have made it through without their support and their love.
We cried, we talked, we smooched, we drove to the mountains, we cried a little more, and we started to heal, together. We waited a few months and then we started trying again.
But.....it took A frigging YEAR to get pregnant again. And yes, 'trying' to make a baby IS fun, but its also super frustrating,when, as a woman, every month, you discover it didn't work-again.
For me, I just felt like such a failure; I am a WOMAN goddammit, with all these parts for baby making. I mean, biologically what the fuck am I here to do, OTHER than procreate?
And its not working? But I did all the things and I read all the books, and I even got rid of my microwave, for gods sake. Anything to make sure this was going to work. It was fruitless.
So after a year of doing yoga, meditating, massage therapy, aromatherapy, crystals, and any other stress relieving thing I could think of, I went to see a naturopath for some acupuncture.
Immediately after leaving the clinic, I went to hop on my bicycle and felt...different. Kind of drunk, really. I wondered if I should be riding my bicycle in this 'impaired' state.
The following week, we made a baby. I know there are a lot of skeptics about acupuncture, or Chinese medicine, or holistic therapies, or whatever, but I'm telling you-it worked for me.
Thank god, it worked, for us.
We were on cloud nine, and my pregnancy went very well (a few hiccups during delivery, but that story is for another time)
On February 4, 2012, we welcomed our first son, Kashus Logan Brown into the world. He is a big, beautiful, hilarious boy, who completely captured our hearts from the moment we heard his cry. I know that being a parent isn't everyone's goal, but for me, I just cannot imagine my life without THAT love; that special, un-bounding, unexplainable love that you have for your own children, and the love they give you in return. Its like nothing else in this world.
After a few months of trying in the winter of 2012, the fall of 2013 brought us our second son, Atticus Parker Brown into the family. This little guy was a handful right from the start, but his infectious laugh and beautiful (albeit, mischievous) personality is something we adored immediately. Both of our boys bring us so much pride and happiness, we adore them with everything we have. I know, we had to lose that first baby because these two boys were meant to be ours. It had to happen this way so that Kashus & Atticus could be our little loves.
Last year, on our way to the island to get married, Jeff and I discussed whether or not we should have another. We had talked about it many times actually, always on the fence, never really coming to a definite decision. We decided we would think about it for awhile longer and come to a decision when we were ready.
Then, this year, I decided I really wanted to focus on Sadie Willow, and given my age (I'm currently 38, will be 39 by the time this little one arrives) maybe it would be best to hold off on another, at least for now.
SO......I get back from Cabo on April 15th, after a week of relaxing, drinking mojitos, some quality time with some of my best friends in the world, and we had some time before Jeff had to go back to work.....so one thing leads to another.... ;)
The level of shock, for both of us, in early May, when we discovered we were pregnant, after ALWAYS having to try so hard, is hard to explain. We just didn't think it could happen, not like that, not without conscientiously trying.
Surprised? Heck yes! And we could not be happier! 3 babies was something we had always talked about, as we had both come from families of 3, and life is full of surprises right? We are both strong believers that everything happens for a reason, so, Baby Brown number 3, coming atchya, this winter...
Here comes all the practice time I need with newborn photography, and an excuse to buy all those cute little outfits..
thanks to everyone for all your support and love,
Reena, Jeff, Kashus, Atticus, and the new little one xoxo